Unsolicited nudes from men (aka cyber-flashing aka d**k pics) are an established problem in the digital age - particularly for women.
👉 Nearly 50% of women of all sexual identities have received a nude - and over 90% say they didn't ask for it.
👉 50% of women who received a pic reported feeling grossed out.
👉 46% reported they felt disrespected.
And yet, offline in the physical world, we don’t hear about men and boys flashing or exposing themselves to women and girls at remotely the same rate. So what’s going on here? Why are men sending them in the first place? And why the stark difference between online and offline behavior?
The answers to these questions can also be an opportunity to engage men and raise awareness.
Why men send unsolicited nudes to women online.
While the motivations may sometimes be malicious, it turns out the most common motivation for sending a d*** pic was the hope to receive a sexual picture in return, followed by hoping to turn on the recipient. Only 10% of men report sending them to exert power and control over the recipient.
So there’s a clear disconnect here:
🙋♂️ Men send them hoping for reciprocation and connection, but…
🤦♀️ Half of women receiving them feel grossed out and disrespected.
This disconnect is PRIME territory for raising awareness. We can inform our discussions with men and boys by explaining that sending these images are:
1) Considered abusive and harmful by at least half of the women who receive them, and
2) Therefore not likely to have the desired result of reciprocation or connection.
With this in mind, some talking points we can share with men and boys to disrupt the normalization around sending d**k pics are:
“It’s not ok. It’s not funny. I know someone it happened to and it really messed them up.”
“I don’t consider you to be an abusive person - but I know sending these is abusive and harmful.”
“How else can you get her to notice you without risking harming her?”
Sexual violence doesn’t suddenly become acceptable online.
In the physical world, indecent exposure is a sexually violent crime. In most jurisdictions, those found guilty register as sex offenders. But online, something changes. Indecent exposure undergoes a metamorphosis, moving away from sexual violence to an acceptable way to get a girl to notice you.
But why?
Why don’t more men and boys publicly expose themselves to women in the physical world in the hopes the victim will respond in kind or want to date them?
We have some thoughts.
First off, it’s less risky online.
Sending a nude anonymously via message or AirDrop means the sender won’t get in trouble. Or the sender can always claim it wasn’t them who sent it (something they can’t do in person).
Second, it may not “feel” like abusive or criminal behavior (even though it is).
Sending unsolicited nudes online can feel victimless when you don’t see the recipient. There’s a total lack of empathy when, instead of seeing a victim’s physical reaction, the sender only sees a screen (and is buoyed by the false narrative that this is a good way to flirt). And if the recipient doesn’t respond or ignores them, that narrative remains intact.
Third, it’s become a common and somewhat normalized behavior.
Roughly 50% of men send them - so it can seem like it’s ok. And if less men are speaking up about the reasons not to do it - then the prevailing belief is it’s not a big deal. Which is exactly why we need to start speaking out.
With these in mind, we can ask questions like:
“Do you there’s difference between someone sending d**k pic verses physically exposing themselves? If yes, what is it? Do you think the harm is different? Why?”
“Are there other - less harmful - ways to flirt online?”
When we shine a light on this issue and get the conversation going, we can start undoing the normalcy around sending unsolicited nudes while encouraging healthier approaches to flirting and connecting in the digital age.
As always, if you're interested in a training or presentation from EndTAB on this or other similar topics like digital safety, online dating and tech-enabled trauma, let’s connect!
Preventing Unsolicited Nudes